Author Archives: rwadmin

Shadow

You could say we all have a non integrated shadow side. Triggered behaviour may be a great example of what happens when you do not work on integration. You may experience 2 sides the conscious side and the resentful, cruel, mean tantrumy, angry side. Not integrated in. Instead they switch between each other. One rational one irrational. One skilled, one unskilled. One an adult and in control and another a young one out of control…

I could look at the younger me, not only did this happen to me , that is how it is perceived, as happening to me with me out of control to it. As if the conscious self were the I. The triggered self was a swamp of undifferentiated  emotions. – over there –  Only untangling with much time, observation, love, skill and practice. 

Years of impotence, uncertainty, unsafety and helplessness, yielding years of adrenaline, flash anger, separation and loneliness. That didn’t quite match the situation. 

Fear having nothing to hold onto, no foundation of safety to support the organism. No way to ground out the fear and differentiate what is current danger and what is past danger. What is needed now? And do I have the skills to resource it? Instead it is chemicals in the body, yelling ALERT, fight, flight, freeze. Mac truck coming!

Even when the person gets differentiation the chemicals in the body may still flow at high volume.

The person may not have learned many developemental skills. 

The right to safety, certainty, clarity, calm… may not be wired in.

The ability to communicate from these rights. Being able to notice and say what I need and want. May need waking up or learning.

The ability to self regulate

please add any of your own insights

You are stronger than you think!

Yes trauma is painful and we need to pay attention and do some work looking at the impact it has had on us. Multigenerational trauma, Cultural trauma, Family trauma, etc. etc.

Yet I am seeing a lot of simplistic views out there and a weird sense that there is such a thing as having a life without difficult challenges. So let us say for instance you did manage to have a childhood without any difficult challenges, you may find yourself not equipped to handle injustice. I guess I could say this another way. I see again and again that there is some truth in the saying that  “whatever doesn’t kill you can make you stronger.” 

Growing up in a household where I may get rewarded or punished for the same behaviour depending on the whim of my career. I do not have fixed views of the way the world ought to be. This is best exemplified in an example of crossing the street or driving in india (probably many other places), I do not expect or get distressed when the drivers drive on the wrong side of the road. I have watched westerners get hit, expecting drivers to obey the rules. 

Another way to look at trauma is not as how it is “not trauma”, as measured against some fictional norm but as what did you learn from it? What resources did you develop? How has that aided you in the world and in life? And of course what sensitivities did it leave you with both positive and negative. 

What skills have you developed in working through your trauma?

You may be sensitive to your enviornment and know what is going on in a room?

You may sense into other people and know what is going on with them?

You may even find yourself with psychic skills?

You may not be rigid, knowing how to navigate change.

You may be a risk taker?

Maybe you do not pedestal authority thinking it is automatically right?

On and on. Think now of how you have adapted. What special skills do you have? 

Healing

We all know that belief and intention heals. I imagine that is why placebo is so powerful. The problem is that most of our beliefs are unconscious. 

Most of us are familiar with the research: “… the body does its own extreme makeover regularly. In fact, 98 percent of the atoms in the body are replaced yearly.”Jul 14, 2007

We also know that when we take out a memory and look at it we put it back altered. We also know that the brain doesn’t distinguish between real and imagined. Think of a big juicy ripe lemon. Smell that incredible fresh lemony scent. Bring it slowly up to your mouth, now picture biting into it. Remember when watching a movie and feeling sad, or disturbed, or even relieved.

Deepak Chopra, Lester Levenson, and R. David Hawkins, to name just a few, use this information in their work. 

All this brings up so many questions that some scientists are looking into. Ie: If the mouth regenerates in so many hours why does it keep a disease? What tells it to? And can we reprogram that?  I wonder is that what is really happening in placebo or in miraculous cures?

In my work I notice a hierarchy. It goes from subtle to dense. If you do not deal with things energetically then it hits your psychology if you do not deal with it there then it hits your body. 

This takes us back to the beginning – most of what is going on with and in us is unconscious. 

There is a piece of research that impacted me and I think shows this clearly: they shocked mice while they smelled cherry blossoms then for 7 generations when the mice smelled cherry blossoms they would go into an anxious, trembling…, response. Well by 7 generations you would not have a clue why a cherry blossom smell made you anxious. Maybe you would even attribute it to something so that your anxiety made some sense to you. I imagine we are doing that all the time and do not have a clue. My favourite quote from Melissa Tiers is “this shit is all made up”. This does not mean it isn’t real or valid. Rather for me it means that we can play with it, explore it, be curious and maybe even create our own miraculous cures. Which Lester Levenson and R David Hawkins have done and we all probably have done also. 

Getting access into that unconscious majority part of ourselves. Shamans have used this throughout the ages, science is now exploring it and we are often trying to do it with our conscious minds. Yet that is the problem we can not do it through that door. It is like surfing, driving a car, riding a bike, some kind of click, when the being “gets it” and it all comes together. Ah I get it now. – yet great intentional healing has also come from here. 

In my work we play with this. Learning to hold things lightly. Waking up to the unseen, the subtle. Manoeuvring in these realms. We can learn it and it is not at all like we think. I keep getting surprised over and over again as my assumptions get blown as I learn to navigate these dimensions of our experience, universe, reality. A group helps a lot because you are not alone. You have others for checks and balances and I love this. This distilling in the subtle, yet ever not quite what I thought. Yet also a knowing or a waking up to noticing your knowing and opening to your knowing, that click, that feeling of bulls eye and humility. Not noticing from a personal I more like the field. – ah enough for today!

what is natural?

I was working with a client on his flash anger. My cat jumped up between us and caught a moth and ran from the room moth in mouth, all in a some seconds. I realized when we have these instinctual responses we often see them as us or as our real selves.

I decided to look deeper into myself and saw that i also do this. When i am using skill i see it as work and when i say whatever i spontaneously want i see it as natural. Yet that is really preferencing my conditioned responses over considered conscious skillful responses. When i look at this i wonder why did i do this so long? Well one feels easy and natural – although not very effective, and the other feels effortful and contrived. Yet we teach children not to just hit each other when they get upset, this takes practice and skill. Once learned not hitting and using words instead feels natural or at least ok. Then once learned using skillful words feels extremely satisfying because we are able to be engaged with the others perceptual system as well as our own. I not only find this connecting but interesting and satisfying. I do not lose anything, I only gain satisfaction – even if i do not get my own way. It is that feeling you may also get when you at least gave it a go instead of just giving up.

I imagine it is the same feeling couples feel when they do couples sessions before they break up. They heard each other, explored together the issues, and from that feeling of giving it their best shot – then they decide. Years later they often still report a feeling of clarity/groundedness that is not dependent on getting their desired outcome.

Is driving a car natural? Riding a bike? Planting a garden? In our current world I recon skill is not only useful but necessary and even satisfying. So i for one and going to start using it in my personal life as much as in my professional work. (another whole blog on is there really a difference anyway? all these separations we make).

freaking out

freaking out, loosing it, falling apart

what are we exploring in the energy work? 

we are getting skillful in paradigm shifting jumping from being in relationship with people, to being the people, direct access. when you get good at this a new upload of safe happens, a new kind of trust, that depth of who you really are. You being life itself manifesting. when i write like this i feel a desire to be more concrete. so what are some of these differences? 

let’s look at what a freak out may look like from the 2 paradigms, our normal 3d ego/self state and 5d egoless/no self state.

ego freakout – you are identified – it feels like you are falling apart, you are helpless, have no control, everything is happening to you and you have no agency. it hurts! often fear.

egoless expression, i don’t even want to call it freak out because you do not feel freaked out on the inside even though you may look like it on the outside. you do not know what is happening, you are comfortable in the unknown or as the unknown – you feel sensations in your body – sound wants to happen or movement – maybe a deep guttural cry – you are being with yourself while yourself is cleansing, no story and no desire for story. for all you know you could be expressing the group or someone in the group or the collective. you perceive just a going deep into sensations that change, an attitude of wonder, glimpses appear, insights might appear, little knowings may be born, yet also maybe no words and no need for explanations. a different kind of trust, like trust in a blossom opening, a being with, not a being alone. no aloneness. maybe pain but the pain is felt as sensation not as fear. 

the jump, – a different beingness, not individual, not about working through all your stuff as an individual, an entirely different paradigm, from 3d ego self to 5d egoless no self.

it is up to us to align, …. it needs you and you need it … a dialogue with existence … openness, humility,

Trauma

i have been hearing a lot about trauma. fight, flight, freeze. seeing yourself as separate. as a trauma survivor and a therapist working with trauma for over 35 years i’d like to say it is not a quick fix.

it is much more like peeling an onion. only recently i realized i did not know i had the right to not be afraid. i could tell people that they frightened me but did not know i could say “it is not ok for me to feel afraid, can we talk about what to do about this.” i know you get upset and frustrated but it is not ok to throw my laptop against the wall. i want you to feel safe and me also.

safety – what is safety to a traumatized person? 

just like an addict there are holes in the development of someone abused as a child. (pia mellody). 

some voices and thoughts never go away, i have to say to myself, “that is the trauma talking, and not believe or act on those thoughts.” 

have a body

stand in this body

take care of this body

learn needs and wants

learn to communicate needs and wants

learn to be angry and express it with skill.

learn all the feelings

learn over and over again not to over or under react to fear. learn to recognize fear, not as the air you breath but as something separate from you. terror is cold.

and yes learn to trust people and to treat them well.

yes there is a lot of learning to do. 

noticing, learning, talking. 

arrested development – let it be exciting as well as frustrating.

whatever was home for us will feel like home. it is familiar. maybe unconsciously familiar. 

trauma a double edged sword – once you’ve faced it and started the journey toward taking back your life force, you will see that you have amazing skills because of surviving the trauma. 

that saying whatever does not break you makes you stronger, dumb but true

some skills I’ve noticed

my hyper alertness changed into amazing perceptual clarity

i can be around angry people and be calm

i don’t believe authority figures just because they are in positions of authority – independent thinking

the world couldn’t possibly be as scary as my home was, so in comparison i look brave

a hunger for understanding human behavior

many many more

yes the trauma takes work yet also look at what skills do you have because of the trauma! 

THEN ON THE OTHER HAND

there is also the super conscious, high frequency, tuning in : when a group is capable to do this, you can inhabit split off bits of a person’s psyche with them in compassion and connection. Places they have never been connected to another human being in. this is so intensely powerful, intimate, and rewarding. Places that have only been in terror actually getting a perceptual and feeling shift. this is a lot of the work that we do. yes it feels like magic, like a blessing so very powerful and opening. yet it does not take away from growing up the developmental lines of maturity. You can know you have the ability to dive a car and have confidence yet in the beginning you still need to practice. 

Exercise

I often find with clients that drawing something is a way to access data that we had no idea of with our conscious minds.

Exercise – draw how your relationship currently is

how you currently are

your current resources, relationship to family, community

how you would like it to be

and draw the way through

Who’s the boss of you?

(in order to read to the end press title – it’s a link).

Ive been thinking about how in a given day and certainly in different situations we are able to access certain skills that in other situations when we need those skills they are not there. Like when a parent is extremely patient, clear and grounded when a child is acting overtired, crabby and insulting yet when in another similar situation with someone else he/she feels attacked, victimized, and confused. what is going on here? the person has the skill set in one situation and it does not transfer to the other.

It’s all in our perception!

Lately ive been thinking about it as what part of me has just grabbed my executive function? How old is she? what does she need? this has now extended out to other people. when someone else is acting intolerable or confusing – what part of them has grabbed their executive function? what do they need? and how do i want to respond?

I think we do this all day long unconsciously. Yet if we moved this conscious we could have such a creative play instead of feeling confused and befuddled. we can know just as we are sliding up and down the ages and skill sets so isnt everyone else.

When you feel threatened backed into a corner, you think and act so different than when you feel safe, comfortable and relaxed. Who has grabbed your executive function and what does she need.?

I was working with this one woman and i had her draw her different parts. One part was in full rich color and shape another was a stick figure. You can imagine what happened when that stick figure got control of her executive function – stark – empty – depressed… We worked on filling out this stark one, finding out what she likes, getting to know her – there were so many surprises to both of us! For one she loved horseback riding… so as you can imagine as this stark one got more seen and content the woman’s live got more texture, color, contentment ……

poem for pain

my body feels charged like what i imagine a finger in an electric socket feels like. tears just behind my eyes .

ready,. 

shock, surprise, disappointment, anger, sometimes shooting separately sometimes a soup. 

i am expanding out, reaching past everything known. just here, just this minute, letting the thoughts, ideas, questions, just run on and on without me highlighting any, without me believing.

 let go now, just let go my little one. there is nothing to hold up. there is nothing to control. slip streams all around me begging to be joined. the sirens call compelling, me.

 just here right now, this resonance of being  

no plans to make, no defenses to engage. 

this moment i am ok,

breath. 

succor is everywhere, the birds calling, the beads of water hanging off the green. succor is here little one. I’ve got your back. 

shoulda, woulda, coulda, are singing their endearments. 

succor is here little one. right now succor is in paying attention to all of what I’m not noticing when I’m heeding their mellody.