Author Archives: rwadmin

freaking out

freaking out, loosing it, falling apart

what are we exploring in the energy work? 

we are getting skillful in paradigm shifting jumping from being in relationship with people, to being the people, direct access. when you get good at this a new upload of safe happens, a new kind of trust, that depth of who you really are. You being life itself manifesting. when i write like this i feel a desire to be more concrete. so what are some of these differences? 

let’s look at what a freak out may look like from the 2 paradigms, our normal 3d ego/self state and 5d egoless/no self state.

ego freakout – you are identified – it feels like you are falling apart, you are helpless, have no control, everything is happening to you and you have no agency. it hurts! often fear.

egoless expression, i don’t even want to call it freak out because you do not feel freaked out on the inside even though you may look like it on the outside. you do not know what is happening, you are comfortable in the unknown or as the unknown – you feel sensations in your body – sound wants to happen or movement – maybe a deep guttural cry – you are being with yourself while yourself is cleansing, no story and no desire for story. for all you know you could be expressing the group or someone in the group or the collective. you perceive just a going deep into sensations that change, an attitude of wonder, glimpses appear, insights might appear, little knowings may be born, yet also maybe no words and no need for explanations. a different kind of trust, like trust in a blossom opening, a being with, not a being alone. no aloneness. maybe pain but the pain is felt as sensation not as fear. 

the jump, – a different beingness, not individual, not about working through all your stuff as an individual, an entirely different paradigm, from 3d ego self to 5d egoless no self.

it is up to us to align, …. it needs you and you need it … a dialogue with existence … openness, humility,


i have been hearing a lot about trauma. fight, flight, freeze. seeing yourself as separate. as a trauma survivor and a therapist working with trauma for over 35 years i’d like to say it is not a quick fix.

it is much more like peeling an onion. only recently i realized i did not know i had the right to not be afraid. i could tell people that they frightened me but did not know i could say “it is not ok for me to feel afraid, can we talk about what to do about this.” i know you get upset and frustrated but it is not ok to throw my laptop against the wall. i want you to feel safe and me also.

safety – what is safety to a traumatized person? 

just like an addict there are holes in the development of someone abused as a child. (pia mellody). 

some voices and thoughts never go away, i have to say to myself, “that is the trauma talking, and not believe or act on those thoughts.” 

have a body

stand in this body

take care of this body

learn needs and wants

learn to communicate needs and wants

learn to be angry and express it with skill.

learn all the feelings

learn over and over again not to over or under react to fear. learn to recognize fear, not as the air you breath but as something separate from you. terror is cold.

and yes learn to trust people and to treat them well.

yes there is a lot of learning to do. 

noticing, learning, talking. 

arrested development – let it be exciting as well as frustrating.

whatever was home for us will feel like home. it is familiar. maybe unconsciously familiar. 

trauma a double edged sword – once you’ve faced it and started the journey toward taking back your life force, you will see that you have amazing skills because of surviving the trauma. 

that saying whatever does not break you makes you stronger, dumb but true

some skills I’ve noticed

my hyper alertness changed into amazing perceptual clarity

i can be around angry people and be calm

i don’t believe authority figures just because they are in positions of authority – independent thinking

the world couldn’t possibly be as scary as my home was, so in comparison i look brave

a hunger for understanding human behavior

many many more

yes the trauma takes work yet also look at what skills do you have because of the trauma! 


there is also the super conscious, high frequency, tuning in : when a group is capable to do this, you can inhabit split off bits of a person’s psyche with them in compassion and connection. Places they have never been connected to another human being in. this is so intensely powerful, intimate, and rewarding. Places that have only been in terror actually getting a perceptual and feeling shift. this is a lot of the work that we do. yes it feels like magic, like a blessing so very powerful and opening. yet it does not take away from growing up the developmental lines of maturity. You can know you have the ability to dive a car and have confidence yet in the beginning you still need to practice. 


I often find with clients that drawing something is a way to access data that we had no idea of with our conscious minds.

Exercise – draw how your relationship currently is

how you currently are

your current resources, relationship to family, community

how you would like it to be

and draw the way through

Who’s the boss of you?

(in order to read to the end press title – it’s a link).

Ive been thinking about how in a given day and certainly in different situations we are able to access certain skills that in other situations when we need those skills they are not there. Like when a parent is extremely patient, clear and grounded when a child is acting overtired, crabby and insulting yet when in another similar situation with someone else he/she feels attacked, victimized, and confused. what is going on here? the person has the skill set in one situation and it does not transfer to the other.

It’s all in our perception!

Lately ive been thinking about it as what part of me has just grabbed my executive function? How old is she? what does she need? this has now extended out to other people. when someone else is acting intolerable or confusing – what part of them has grabbed their executive function? what do they need? and how do i want to respond?

I think we do this all day long unconsciously. Yet if we moved this conscious we could have such a creative play instead of feeling confused and befuddled. we can know just as we are sliding up and down the ages and skill sets so isnt everyone else.

When you feel threatened backed into a corner, you think and act so different than when you feel safe, comfortable and relaxed. Who has grabbed your executive function and what does she need.?

I was working with this one woman and i had her draw her different parts. One part was in full rich color and shape another was a stick figure. You can imagine what happened when that stick figure got control of her executive function – stark – empty – depressed… We worked on filling out this stark one, finding out what she likes, getting to know her – there were so many surprises to both of us! For one she loved horseback riding… so as you can imagine as this stark one got more seen and content the woman’s live got more texture, color, contentment ……

poem for pain

my body feels charged like what i imagine a finger in an electric socket feels like. tears just behind my eyes .


shock, surprise, disappointment, anger, sometimes shooting separately sometimes a soup. 

i am expanding out, reaching past everything known. just here, just this minute, letting the thoughts, ideas, questions, just run on and on without me highlighting any, without me believing.

 let go now, just let go my little one. there is nothing to hold up. there is nothing to control. slip streams all around me begging to be joined. the sirens call compelling, me.

 just here right now, this resonance of being  

no plans to make, no defenses to engage. 

this moment i am ok,


succor is everywhere, the birds calling, the beads of water hanging off the green. succor is here little one. I’ve got your back. 

shoulda, woulda, coulda, are singing their endearments. 

succor is here little one. right now succor is in paying attention to all of what I’m not noticing when I’m heeding their mellody.

How to keep focus

the brain does not discriminate between an experience we picture and imagine and an experience that is real. we will play with this tonight. yet as always being present we see what wants to manifest from our energies together. so this is how it works. ready to go forward with an intention but not holding it tight, holding it lightly within the context we are in. so always open to changing data yet holding direction. this is how you do not drift around like a leaf in the wind.

How has doing this work changed you?

i am not triggered so much and when i am i know what to do

i know how to be in a feeling/sensation without feeding the story around it.

lots of joy – greater capacity for joy

a recognition of being home and content as a background field

i can go past my conditioning

i can let myself know where someone else is at without loosing myself

i can relate to the emptiness in anyone

i know i am not separate.

i viscerally know we are connected

i acknowledge the field

i know what is needed in any given situation

i have a greater capacity for love

i can tune in

i have skills that i never dreamed were possible

i can tune into so many dimensions

the invisible is accessible to me

i understand ken wilber’s wake up, grow up, clean up and show up stages

i am connected to my body and at the same time not limited to my body

there is more space and less overwhelm

What are we doing?

In case you are wondering what we are doing?

we really see everything from where we developmentally are! as well as our cultural, biological, multi generational conditioning : thus determing our entire perspective, our feelings, how we make meaning out of an incident, our actions and our decisions. this is why we work on development as well as waking up. Both are necessary! 

in the energy work we constantly touch into, wake up and develop both of these. It is not just about keeping your psychology painless and regulated. the more we develop the more choices we have and the more energy frequency we can handle. our connection to the field and support becomes a given. things that used to be hard work become effortless. we find ourselves saying “i remember when that was difficult or when i could not even do that, and now i don’t even think about it”. 

Death And Giving

beautiful meeting,
and i keep noticing when we give, i thought we were going to help deepal in death, we get so very much more. we learned a new way to die! really in all my years i have not seen such a clear, clean joyful way to portal into a new dimension. reset. here then connecting there. love and concern for those here without any responsibility for them. far far far out. what a teaching that we all got in our cells, our beings, touching into the possibility of it and even to be it NOW.