Author Archives: rwadmin

Can we allow different opinions?


how can we get along with each other without agreeing!? this is what we are all facing with vac and anti vac. with the coming out of the closet with abuse…. it reminds me of when a family deals with incest. how could that be the father i loved and was so kind to me if he incested you?. thus he did not incest you or …..  As humans we hate to hold ambiguity. we like black or white. yet the ambiguity is everywhere. yes my experience was real and yes this was happening also. and now we are looking deeper – what was i thinking and feeling when all this was going on? what did i notice and deny? what did I not see? How can i be supportive and honest outside and inside? 

for me these conversations over the years have been very important. when things were going on that i morally did not agree with in both poona 1 and the ranch – where was my line? don’t we all have to face this? owning my non courageous self. Facing my pack animal self.

there is so much learning – the voices are important – when my friend told me: her first time as a medium – she was told not to wear underwear and when the lights went out and osho was up her robe …. she thought she was uptight, she felt guilty for not being free etc. it is time to have a voice and look at the self doubt , the double think, what we do to belong in any group….. jesse

Who are the leaders? People like bruce who try to engage and flush out the differences and have us face them? Or the ones who hold a blind eye and pretend it is all gonna work out somehow?

I think I’m often one of the pretenders. Even in my work – to bring out what is going on? Or let it ride? Or fix it without even bringing it up? There is such an animal thing about disrupting the status quo. Challenging the group. Being thrown out of the tribe. It is built into our biology. We are pack animals. 

Some of the new ways of communicating challenges this like Circling and the move to be transparent – codependence is it ’s opposite. Holding the image together no matter what. 

I imagine I go along with what is being said so quick that I don’t even notice it, but sometimes I feel that jolt in my belly when I disagree. This is the opportunity and I do not like it. I even feel it on a zoom call, do I say something or just be quiet. In circling one would say what is going on in ones own body. I feel uncomfortable with that, or I notice that I’m hesitating to share my opinion in case you don’t like me. The more I write the more I see how common this is and how many times a day this comes up in little ways. When do we say our truth and when just to be quiet? Yes this may feel like belonging yet it really blocks intimacy and transparency. If I keep doing it no one will know what I think or feel. I won’t challenge my own beliefs nonetheless theirs. Then again I now see when I say nothing for too long then I flare up and attack with emotion that both scares me and the other. It is definitely not fair to them for it must seem like it comes out of nowhere, jolting them from behind. 

Sometimes this has nothing to do with the current person or conversation like around class or ethnicity, I let the dominant white middle class reality ride and ride then I make a sharp judgemental comment. Rather than use skill, transparency, go inside report outside ….let vulnerability happen, share the subtext, the layer deeper, richer which actually goes somewhere, touches, connects.

Ive been doing this in my groups say the first expression in a few sentences, then take a moment, go deeper and say why you shared that/ what touched you. Then we all take a moment before we respond. I notice part 2 of everyone often saves them a not helpful response from us. Our responses to part 2 are so much more nourishing to the person and interesting to the group. Creative even. 

So do I take a moment, find courage, go beyond my pack instincts, dig deeper then respond? We will see!!!

Enlightened or Loose Self

Why did I want to write this? There is a big confusion that i hear again and again. so here is my attempt to clarify.

Awareness itself/ no mind/enlightened doesn’t fix or change anything. So loose self before enlightment / loose self after enlightenment. Yet I think a lot of people get these two mixed up.

And I know both.

Awareness itself

Sometimes called a flow state. A bit difficult to put in words because there is no seperate self sense. I am not self referencing yet I am very connected and aware of my body, feelings, thoughts, but no attributing meaning or stories to anything. Perception is. All data is available, the entire collective here. Flow state. Feel no desire, no lack, content with everything as it is and curious.

Loose self

  • Expanded, in the field, not much personal self, more like in my psychic self. I loose my opinion of things or my personal point of view. Not very good for negotiating because I loose track of what I want and definitely do not give it appropriate weight. Yet I am aware of everything around me.
  • Actually I can loose the personal self. All my life I notice I have tricks to come back into the personal self. Ill look in the mirror say hi to that little trying one. Or ill scan my body giving it weight and focus. Or ill dance and sing a little song – in the mirror makes coming into self stronger.

Strong and Loose self sense

I think both having a strong self sense and having a loose self sense are both efficient in different ways. 

A strong self sense the belly and/or solar plexus chakra is probably strong. Authority is probably easy to hold. One knows where one is.

A loose self sense – easily empathic, can be overly sensitive to sounds, emotions, energy…. Can learn to tune in easily and it feels like home. Can learn to travel the realms easily. Can forget self and have to work to come back personal. Probably have a strong crown and 3rd eye chakra. Grace . 

Travelling the realms

For many years it seemed like only a small number of us knew how to travel the realms. Sure Gurdjieff and Steiner wrote much about the worlds and even made levels of the worlds with descriptions and today Cynthia bourgeault teaches about the “worlds” in a seeming hierarchy or map. As you may know my favourite way to travel and i found the safest way is to travel the realms in a group. That way there are check, balances and much more clarity, nevermind the feeling of extreme intimacy when in a group link up.

What we have found and later when speaking to aboriginal elders – what they have also found is that the realms are a dialogue. When we first started travelling the worlds we thought we were going to get something, like when I and 10 other psychics went into a sacred cave known to be a healing cave we thought we would get a healing but it is an engaged connection, a dialogue full of surprises and guaranteed to smash your projections and ideas of how things are. We expected to receive a healing and instead the cave contacted us, flooded us with 3d visions – this is where it is incredible to be in a group and not alone. I felt excited, scared and a kaleidoscope of feelings as we received see/feel visions together. None of us had expected this, after so many years of tuning in and engaging we still had the old flat idea of going into a healing cave and getting a healing, instead of the cave having it’s own agenda.

In my early buddhist training travelling the realms was greatly discouraged as a distraction. Yet i have found doing so in a group can bring clarity, new insights and unimaginable experiences that make me open up beyond what i know or can imagine: ie. my mind gets blown. One thing i get to see over and over again is my homeo sapien centered way of perceiving reality – for it is beyond inaccurate.

Travelling the realms is a 2 way street. The different entities, life forms can contact me as much as i can contact them. It is not one way. I don’t get to be in a meditative state, open up and say hello whenever i feel like it. They can also say hello to me. All this is very subtle and I imagine some of you who are very sensitive have access to the subtle realms, get contacted and think it is your own feelings, thoughts, desires, impulses and you have no idea that you are “pickingup”. You unconsciously own it all. This is where i feel it is imperative for sensitive people to be trained and not to be picking up what is around them like a sponge and acting it out without knowing it. Even with training, I found in a group it is easier to discriminate between projections and “pickingup”. This is all very subtle and too tempting to get lost in – maybe that is why communicating with the worlds is often so discouraged and seen as a trap.

Yet why settle for such a small life. Why reduce our lives to such a small container in order to feel a false sense of separation, security and control? We are really really all connected and impacting each other all the time. Notice the sense you get walking in a forrest of dead trees or a forrest of alive healthy trees. We are engaged, impacted and communicating even if we are unconscious to it. You can feel when your pet is content and happy or distressed.

I suggest open up and be awake to your innate connectedness. Yes let is the complication for it is there anyway. I think you use/loose a lot of energy blocking life out and feeling contained as a separate individual.


You could say we all have a non integrated shadow side. Triggered behaviour may be a great example of what happens when you do not work on integration. You may experience 2 sides the conscious side and the resentful, cruel, mean tantrumy, angry side. Not integrated in. Instead they switch between each other. One rational one irrational. One skilled, one unskilled. One an adult and in control and another a young one out of control…

I could look at the younger me, not only did this happen to me , that is how it is perceived, as happening to me with me out of control to it. As if the conscious self were the I. The triggered self was a swamp of undifferentiated  emotions. – over there –  Only untangling with much time, observation, love, skill and practice. 

Years of impotence, uncertainty, unsafety and helplessness, yielding years of adrenaline, flash anger, separation and loneliness. That didn’t quite match the situation. 

Fear having nothing to hold onto, no foundation of safety to support the organism. No way to ground out the fear and differentiate what is current danger and what is past danger. What is needed now? And do I have the skills to resource it? Instead it is chemicals in the body, yelling ALERT, fight, flight, freeze. Mac truck coming!

Even when the person gets differentiation the chemicals in the body may still flow at high volume.

The person may not have learned many developemental skills. 

The right to safety, certainty, clarity, calm… may not be wired in.

The ability to communicate from these rights. Being able to notice and say what I need and want. May need waking up or learning.

The ability to self regulate

please add any of your own insights

You are stronger than you think!

Yes trauma is painful and we need to pay attention and do some work looking at the impact it has had on us. Multigenerational trauma, Cultural trauma, Family trauma, etc. etc.

Yet I am seeing a lot of simplistic views out there and a weird sense that there is such a thing as having a life without difficult challenges. So let us say for instance you did manage to have a childhood without any difficult challenges, you may find yourself not equipped to handle injustice. I guess I could say this another way. I see again and again that there is some truth in the saying that  “whatever doesn’t kill you can make you stronger.” 

Growing up in a household where I may get rewarded or punished for the same behaviour depending on the whim of my career. I do not have fixed views of the way the world ought to be. This is best exemplified in an example of crossing the street or driving in india (probably many other places), I do not expect or get distressed when the drivers drive on the wrong side of the road. I have watched westerners get hit, expecting drivers to obey the rules. 

Another way to look at trauma is not as how it is “not trauma”, as measured against some fictional norm but as what did you learn from it? What resources did you develop? How has that aided you in the world and in life? And of course what sensitivities did it leave you with both positive and negative. 

What skills have you developed in working through your trauma?

You may be sensitive to your enviornment and know what is going on in a room?

You may sense into other people and know what is going on with them?

You may even find yourself with psychic skills?

You may not be rigid, knowing how to navigate change.

You may be a risk taker?

Maybe you do not pedestal authority thinking it is automatically right?

On and on. Think now of how you have adapted. What special skills do you have? 


We all know that belief and intention heals. I imagine that is why placebo is so powerful. The problem is that most of our beliefs are unconscious. 

Most of us are familiar with the research: “… the body does its own extreme makeover regularly. In fact, 98 percent of the atoms in the body are replaced yearly.”Jul 14, 2007

We also know that when we take out a memory and look at it we put it back altered. We also know that the brain doesn’t distinguish between real and imagined. Think of a big juicy ripe lemon. Smell that incredible fresh lemony scent. Bring it slowly up to your mouth, now picture biting into it. Remember when watching a movie and feeling sad, or disturbed, or even relieved.

Deepak Chopra, Lester Levenson, and R. David Hawkins, to name just a few, use this information in their work. 

All this brings up so many questions that some scientists are looking into. Ie: If the mouth regenerates in so many hours why does it keep a disease? What tells it to? And can we reprogram that?  I wonder is that what is really happening in placebo or in miraculous cures?

In my work I notice a hierarchy. It goes from subtle to dense. If you do not deal with things energetically then it hits your psychology if you do not deal with it there then it hits your body. 

This takes us back to the beginning – most of what is going on with and in us is unconscious. 

There is a piece of research that impacted me and I think shows this clearly: they shocked mice while they smelled cherry blossoms then for 7 generations when the mice smelled cherry blossoms they would go into an anxious, trembling…, response. Well by 7 generations you would not have a clue why a cherry blossom smell made you anxious. Maybe you would even attribute it to something so that your anxiety made some sense to you. I imagine we are doing that all the time and do not have a clue. My favourite quote from Melissa Tiers is “this shit is all made up”. This does not mean it isn’t real or valid. Rather for me it means that we can play with it, explore it, be curious and maybe even create our own miraculous cures. Which Lester Levenson and R David Hawkins have done and we all probably have done also. 

Getting access into that unconscious majority part of ourselves. Shamans have used this throughout the ages, science is now exploring it and we are often trying to do it with our conscious minds. Yet that is the problem we can not do it through that door. It is like surfing, driving a car, riding a bike, some kind of click, when the being “gets it” and it all comes together. Ah I get it now. – yet great intentional healing has also come from here. 

In my work we play with this. Learning to hold things lightly. Waking up to the unseen, the subtle. Manoeuvring in these realms. We can learn it and it is not at all like we think. I keep getting surprised over and over again as my assumptions get blown as I learn to navigate these dimensions of our experience, universe, reality. A group helps a lot because you are not alone. You have others for checks and balances and I love this. This distilling in the subtle, yet ever not quite what I thought. Yet also a knowing or a waking up to noticing your knowing and opening to your knowing, that click, that feeling of bulls eye and humility. Not noticing from a personal I more like the field. – ah enough for today!

what is natural?

I was working with a client on his flash anger. My cat jumped up between us and caught a moth and ran from the room moth in mouth, all in a some seconds. I realized when we have these instinctual responses we often see them as us or as our real selves.

I decided to look deeper into myself and saw that i also do this. When i am using skill i see it as work and when i say whatever i spontaneously want i see it as natural. Yet that is really preferencing my conditioned responses over considered conscious skillful responses. When i look at this i wonder why did i do this so long? Well one feels easy and natural – although not very effective, and the other feels effortful and contrived. Yet we teach children not to just hit each other when they get upset, this takes practice and skill. Once learned not hitting and using words instead feels natural or at least ok. Then once learned using skillful words feels extremely satisfying because we are able to be engaged with the others perceptual system as well as our own. I not only find this connecting but interesting and satisfying. I do not lose anything, I only gain satisfaction – even if i do not get my own way. It is that feeling you may also get when you at least gave it a go instead of just giving up.

I imagine it is the same feeling couples feel when they do couples sessions before they break up. They heard each other, explored together the issues, and from that feeling of giving it their best shot – then they decide. Years later they often still report a feeling of clarity/groundedness that is not dependent on getting their desired outcome.

Is driving a car natural? Riding a bike? Planting a garden? In our current world I recon skill is not only useful but necessary and even satisfying. So i for one and going to start using it in my personal life as much as in my professional work. (another whole blog on is there really a difference anyway? all these separations we make).

freaking out

freaking out, loosing it, falling apart

what are we exploring in the energy work? 

we are getting skillful in paradigm shifting jumping from being in relationship with people, to being the people, direct access. when you get good at this a new upload of safe happens, a new kind of trust, that depth of who you really are. You being life itself manifesting. when i write like this i feel a desire to be more concrete. so what are some of these differences? 

let’s look at what a freak out may look like from the 2 paradigms, our normal 3d ego/self state and 5d egoless/no self state.

ego freakout – you are identified – it feels like you are falling apart, you are helpless, have no control, everything is happening to you and you have no agency. it hurts! often fear.

egoless expression, i don’t even want to call it freak out because you do not feel freaked out on the inside even though you may look like it on the outside. you do not know what is happening, you are comfortable in the unknown or as the unknown – you feel sensations in your body – sound wants to happen or movement – maybe a deep guttural cry – you are being with yourself while yourself is cleansing, no story and no desire for story. for all you know you could be expressing the group or someone in the group or the collective. you perceive just a going deep into sensations that change, an attitude of wonder, glimpses appear, insights might appear, little knowings may be born, yet also maybe no words and no need for explanations. a different kind of trust, like trust in a blossom opening, a being with, not a being alone. no aloneness. maybe pain but the pain is felt as sensation not as fear. 

the jump, – a different beingness, not individual, not about working through all your stuff as an individual, an entirely different paradigm, from 3d ego self to 5d egoless no self.

it is up to us to align, …. it needs you and you need it … a dialogue with existence … openness, humility,


i have been hearing a lot about trauma. fight, flight, freeze. seeing yourself as separate. as a trauma survivor and a therapist working with trauma for over 35 years i’d like to say it is not a quick fix.

it is much more like peeling an onion. only recently i realized i did not know i had the right to not be afraid. i could tell people that they frightened me but did not know i could say “it is not ok for me to feel afraid, can we talk about what to do about this.” i know you get upset and frustrated but it is not ok to throw my laptop against the wall. i want you to feel safe and me also.

safety – what is safety to a traumatized person? 

just like an addict there are holes in the development of someone abused as a child. (pia mellody). 

some voices and thoughts never go away, i have to say to myself, “that is the trauma talking, and not believe or act on those thoughts.” 

have a body

stand in this body

take care of this body

learn needs and wants

learn to communicate needs and wants

learn to be angry and express it with skill.

learn all the feelings

learn over and over again not to over or under react to fear. learn to recognize fear, not as the air you breath but as something separate from you. terror is cold.

and yes learn to trust people and to treat them well.

yes there is a lot of learning to do. 

noticing, learning, talking. 

arrested development – let it be exciting as well as frustrating.

whatever was home for us will feel like home. it is familiar. maybe unconsciously familiar. 

trauma a double edged sword – once you’ve faced it and started the journey toward taking back your life force, you will see that you have amazing skills because of surviving the trauma. 

that saying whatever does not break you makes you stronger, dumb but true

some skills I’ve noticed

my hyper alertness changed into amazing perceptual clarity

i can be around angry people and be calm

i don’t believe authority figures just because they are in positions of authority – independent thinking

the world couldn’t possibly be as scary as my home was, so in comparison i look brave

a hunger for understanding human behavior

many many more

yes the trauma takes work yet also look at what skills do you have because of the trauma! 


there is also the super conscious, high frequency, tuning in : when a group is capable to do this, you can inhabit split off bits of a person’s psyche with them in compassion and connection. Places they have never been connected to another human being in. this is so intensely powerful, intimate, and rewarding. Places that have only been in terror actually getting a perceptual and feeling shift. this is a lot of the work that we do. yes it feels like magic, like a blessing so very powerful and opening. yet it does not take away from growing up the developmental lines of maturity. You can know you have the ability to dive a car and have confidence yet in the beginning you still need to practice. 


I often find with clients that drawing something is a way to access data that we had no idea of with our conscious minds.

Exercise – draw how your relationship currently is

how you currently are

your current resources, relationship to family, community

how you would like it to be

and draw the way through